(Another) new blog, that is. Not sure what compels me to go the "clean slate" route rather than just pick up one of my older volumes where it left off. Probably because Blogger lets me. And far be it from me to look a gift blog in the mouth.
Maybe it's because I'm looking all sorts of new-ness in the face and a new blog just seems to fit the pattern. A new year begins in four days. I start a new job in a week. The holidays are over and even though it's not new, I'm getting back on track with my workout regimen and have started using a new on-line calorie tracking tool. I've got a new business venture in the makes and hope to be launching it soon. Plus I've taken a renewed interest in our camera and hope to learn how to use it to take photos that don't look like shit. New, new, new.
Or maybe I'm just bored as hell because this is my last week at this job and I don't intend to do a damn thing for the duration of it.
I've been readying myself for the post-holiday letdown. It kind of hit me early this morning, as I was lying in bed by myself (Ben went to the gym), in the dark, thinking it's all over and now I have to get up and go to work and man, that blows. That's one of my biggest reasons for hating the holidays--it's like the big $25 firecracker on the 4th of July. All sorts of build-up and then a fizzle and a pop and it's over. Ta-da! And I don't even think dragging it out for four or five days would help (because we sort of do because of our circumstances). It never fails--the gifts are great but never really produce that same "WOW!" response we got used to as kids; the food is good but doesn't seem as spectacular as it did 20 years ago; seeing family and friends is great but you leave every gathering feeling like you barely got to talk to anyone at all. Maybe I got spoiled with awesome Christmases as a kid and nothing I've experienced as an adult can live up to that kind of hype. I thought it would be better after I had kids--you know, all that "relive the joy through a child's eyes" crap--but it seems to have gotten worse. I drive myself crazy trying to make their holidays as magical and amazing as I seem to remember mine being, but life always gets in the way and I run out of time and money and it never feels (to me) like enough. Which is silly because I don't hear them complaining, and I don't realistically know if my childhood holidays were really that fabulous or if it's just my fuzzy adult vision remembering a jollier version.
I think I just want my kids to be happy so badly it makes me crazy. Especially Bob. The Toddler is so happy-go-lucky and naturally jovial, but Bob seems so sad so much of the time. I would give all the Peanuts holiday classics DVD sets and crock pots in the world just to see him genuinely happy for an extended period of time.
Which is why this morning, on my way to work, I shot a photo with my phone of the bracelet I'm wearing. It's one of the jewelry items Bob gave me this year, and he was just so proud of himself, I wanted him to know how much I cherish it.
At any rate, my brain is just awhirl with all sorts of randomness and frenzied thoughts. I am so ready to get the hell out of this work environment, the negativity here is overwhelming and spending a year and a half mired in it has made me a very nasty person, I'm afraid. On the other hand, as excited as I am at my imminent release from this prison, I am terrified at the $4000 annual salary difference--we managed on this combined income before, can we do it again? I know we can but it's a daunting prospect. Even more daunting are the questions popping up in my head--what if it's just like here in many ways? What if there are job duties/co-workers/policies that mirror this place? What if I get there and I hate it?
I've always claimed to live by the mantra "what-ifs are a waste of time," but clearly, I don't really. So I've been trying to calm my hyperactive 8-year-old of a brain today by indulging in blog reading--specifically, Sassy Radish, which makes me want to cook. Rather, makes me want to invite her to come stay with us for an extended period of time and bring her ice cream maker and cook for me.
She and another favorite blogger are inspiring me to better my photography skills (or at least get some), which would benefit my new business venture tremendously. Of course, this also means I need to have items to photograph (and, hopefully, then sell), which means I need to sew. But I feel like I've hit a post-holiday sewing snag--I worked on Xmas projects at such a fever pitch in the weeks leading up to the day, just looking at my sewing machine lately makes me tired. And I've run into issues with a couple of key projects--my shopper and the video game case--namely, pockets that need to be made more secure and/or the whole thing needs to be better stabilized (perhaps some fusible webbing on the inside backer fabric?), which add to my weariness.
I'm sure I'll get over it soon, just as I will surely get past this post-holiday drag. I made my triumphant return to the gym last night after a nearly week-long absence and it was divine. Fortunately not at all crowded, so it didn't have that swampy atmosphere that grosses me out so much, and for the most part my shins and calves cooperated nicely. I resumed Not Eating Like a Pig today and so far, so good.
In the meantime, perhaps I should work on a list (lists always seem to have a calming effect on me, or at least a temporary distracting effect). How about a list of Possible Ways to Spend the $100 Xmas Cash I Have Left?
1. pedicure ($30)
2. in lieu of a manicure, which are wasted on the likes of me, some sort of sally hansen treatment for brittle, split-prone nails so that i might be able to start salvaging my own ($5)
3. a tanning package, given my pastiness ($45)
4. pointy black boots ($40 - or should i just sweat out the remaining 3 months of boot weather in my square-toed ones and save the $40???)
5. a hand-held milk frother and some Torani ($25)
6. a good commuter coffee cup, that i can use for either hot or iced ($20)
7. more fabric (noooooo!)
8. decent sports bras ($20)
9. gym socks ($8)
10. self-tanner, in lieu of actual tanning ($15)
11. set it aside for a rainy day (FREE)
12. 2010 calendar from snapfish ($10)
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